Exciting Opportunity to Sell National Assets

Come on Down! Everything’s on Sale!

Soon to be former Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke has become the latest Trump cabinet member to slink off into the shadows. Mr. Zinke is leaving his post as the chief steward of the nation’s public land holdings after nearly two years of ethically questionable behavior, self-dealing and (best of all) acting as the candy man for energy companies looking to exploit our country’s natural resources. I guess he felt that he did as much damage as he could and decided it was time to move on to more lucrative endeavors-before Congressional investigations could catch up to him. If you’re someone without ethics, without a conscience, and are eager to sell off the country’s future for short-term gain, this could be your next exciting career opportunity.

“The nation behaves well if it treats the natural resources as assets which it must turn over to the next generation increased; and not impaired in value.”- Theodore Roosevelt

Our nation needs you. Remember that the Department of the Interior is the nation’s largest land manager. The lands overseen by the Bureau of Land Management, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service and of course the National Park system are all for sale-and it doesn’t even have to be to the highest bidder. Between the departure of Mr. Zinke and the earlier exit of that walking talking conflict of interest Scott Pruitt, there’s a huge void in the Trump Administration’s sales force that has been busy conducting a fire sale of the Public Trust assets of the country. The president needs someone with a certain casual moral attitude who is a real go-getter to step in to continue to turn over our resources to the people who can profit from them the most. After the most recent mid-term election results, time to put these assets into the hands of the rich and powerful may be short.  This is an important job. Secretary Zinke was quoted as saying “Without a doubt, our public lands are America’s Treasure” and the administration will be looking for the right person to give that treasure away. Do you have what it takes?

Big Shoes to Fill

For The Right Price, All Of This Can Be Yours!

Lobbyists and energy company executives are encouraged to apply. However, please be advised that Ryan Zinke is going to be a very tough act to follow. The next Secretary of the Interior will need to continue Mr. Zinke’s legacy. Drilling the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, surface mining coal on public lands and drilling for oil and gas in all of our coastal waters are just some of the short-sighted policies that he was able to implement.  Carving up national monuments like Bears Ears and the Grand Staircase took someone with the “right stuff”. “Zinke will go down as the worst Interior secretary in history,” said Kieran Suckling, executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity.  Now that’s a legacy. Applicants for this job will need to demonstrate important skills like talking out of both sides of your mouth, myopic vision and the ability to make shady deals to show they can be successful in this position. Do you have political connections but no soul? This may be the opportunity for you.

There are a lot of benefits that go with this job. Of course, they’re not all, should we say, on the up and up. But if rules and regulations aren’t your thing, first-class travel for you and your family members to some of the most beautiful places on the planet awaits you. Best of all, the taxpayers will pick up the tab. But that’s not all. Sweetheart land deals for family friends, a security detail and the chance to help out your wealthy safari hunting buddies are all among the perks you can expect. Don’t forget, when you’re done compromising the future of the next generation of Americans, you’ll be welcomed with open arms by the energy industry with a high-paying job and the opportunity for fabulous wealth.

See You Around Suckers!

This is a senior position in the Trump administration. There are some important qualifications that are absolute requirements.  Are you a climate change denier? Are you willing to cozy up to fringe anti-government movements? Are you comfortable with replacing experienced qualified professionals with political toadies? Do you have a disdain for government transparency?  Are you comfortable with grand juries and Congressional investigations? Are you capable of saying “President Trump is the greatest president in the history of the country” in a public setting without laughing out loud? Ryan Zinke had these essential qualities. If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, you may be the right person to replace him. So if you’re interested, send a cover letter, statement of admiration for the president and resume’ to President Donald Trump, c/o Chief of Staff John Kelly,  Nick Ayers, Jared Kushner, Chris Christie, Nick Mulvaney, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC, 20500.  Female applicants are encouraged to include a photo.  Be sure to write “MAGA” on all correspondence.